Threenagers: Negotiating With Tiny Dictators (and Why It Feels Exactly Like Dating All Over Again)

There are plenty of parenting milestones people warn you about. The newborn fog. The terrible twos. The first day of school when you ugly-cry behind oversized sunglasses. But the one stage that sneaks up on you like a silent assassin? The threenager years.

Yes, three. An age where your sweet toddler transforms into a pint-sized tyrant with the emotional range of a Shakespearean actor and the negotiating skills of a high-stakes lawyer. Living with a threenager isn’t just parenting — it’s survival training. And honestly? It feels eerily similar to my days of swiping through dating apps, with a dash of Cold War dictatorship thrown in for good measure

Because make no mistake: threenagers don’t just challenge you. They rule you.

Dating vs. Threenagers: Chaos With Different Haircuts

We’ve all been there — dating disasters that left us questioning humanity. The guy who ordered tap water and split the bill down to the cent. The one who ghosted after three months, only to reappear like a bad sequel. The serial hobbyist who thought a “fun date” meant making you watch him tune his guitar for two hours.

Sound familiar? Now swap the guy for a three-year-old in Paw Patrol pajamas, and you’ve got yourself the same emotional rollercoaster.

The Mood Swings

• Dating: One minute they’re planning a weekend getaway, the next they “need space.”

  
  

• Threenager: One minute they’re snuggling into your lap whispering “I wuv you,” the next they’re screaming because you dared to cut their sandwich into squares instead of triangles.

  
  

The Ghosting

• Dating: The text that never gets answered. The phone call that vanishes into the abyss.

  
  

• Threenager: Suddenly disappears into silence… which is always more terrifying than a tantrum. Spoiler: they’ve redecorated the living room wall with your best lipstick.

  
  

The Gaslighting

• Dating: “I never said I wasn’t seeing other people.”

  
  

• Threenager: “I didn’t take a cookie.” (Said with crumbs all over their face and half the Tim Tam in their hand.)

  
  

The Constant Power Struggle

Dating was a battle of who had more control — the first move, the last word, the DTR (“define the relationship”) conversation. With threenagers? Every meal, outfit, bedtime, and car seat buckle is a battlefield. They will go down screaming for independence… while still asking you to wipe their nose.

Threenagers as Dictators: My Life in a Tiny Regime

If dating was chaos, threenagers take it a step further. They don’t just want your affection. They want absolute power. And they’re ruthless about it.

Here’s why raising a threenager is basically surviving under a household dictatorship:

1. They Rule by Fear You tiptoe around nap schedules, carefully word your sentences, and hold your breath every time you pour milk into the “wrong” cup. Red cup = meltdown. Blue cup = dictatorship overthrown.

   
   

2. Propaganda Machines Dictators spin stories to suit their narrative. Threenagers? Same. “I don’t need a nap.” “I already washed my hands.” “The dog ate my broccoli.” (Plot twist: the broccoli is stuffed down the couch.)

   
   

3. Public Displays of Power Dictators hold rallies. Threenagers throw tantrums in Woolies, preferably in front of an audience of judgemental strangers.

   
   

4. Cult of Personality Much like political leaders, threenagers convince their followers (aka grandparents) that they can do no wrong. “Oh, she didn’t mean to throw the iPad, she’s just tired.” Meanwhile, you’re hiding in the pantry with chocolate and regret.

   
   

5. Unreasonable Demands Dictators demand land, resources, entire countries. Threenagers demand an iPad at 6:00 a.m., a chocolate milk before breakfast, and to wear Elsa’s dress to daycare (again, even though it’s in the wash and smells like Vegemite).

   
   

The Negotiation Table: Where Parents Lose Every Time

Living with a threenager is like being stuck in endless peace talks with no peace in sight. Every day is a negotiation.

• The Bedtime Treaty: “One more story.” “One more sip of water.” “One more hug.” Suddenly you’ve been negotiating for 90 minutes, and they’re still wide awake plotting their next move.

  
  

• The Snack Compromise: You offer apple slices, they demand cupcakes. You try to meet halfway with banana bread, they scream like you’ve declared war.

  
  

• The Fashion Summit: You suggest weather-appropriate clothing. They insist on gumboots, a tutu, and sunglasses — in the middle of winter.

  
  

It’s less parenting, more hostage negotiation.

Survival Strategies: Lessons Learned From Dating (and Dictatorships)

If there’s one upside, it’s that years of bad dating experiences prepare you perfectly for threenagers. Think about it: you’ve already survived manipulation, gaslighting, last-minute cancellations, and questionable hygiene. Threenagers are just… shorter.

Here’s how to make it through:

1. Pick Your Battles

Not every hill is worth dying on. If they want to wear pajamas to daycare, let them. If they want to eat Vegemite toast for dinner three nights in a row, fine. Save your energy for the big issues — like bedtime and car seats.

2. Keep a Straight Face

Dictators and threenagers thrive on drama. Laughing, crying, or yelling just fuels their fire. Perfect your poker face. Even when they yell “YOU’RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND ANYMORE” over a banana.

3. Control the Narrative

Just like bad dates became funny stories you told your friends, threenager meltdowns are comedy gold in hindsight. Write them down. Laugh about them later. Because if you don’t, you’ll cry.

4. Rally Your Allies

Every dictator gets overthrown eventually, but not without support. Surround yourself with other parents in the trenches, friends who’ll drink wine with you, and the occasional babysitter who doesn’t scare easily.

5. Keep Perspective

It’s a season, not a life sentence. Just like the bad date that made you swear off Bumble, this too shall pass. One day you’ll look back and laugh… preferably from a sun lounger with a cocktail while your ex-threenager negotiates with their threenager.

The Brutal Honesty (a.k.a. Why We Still Love Them Anyway)

Here’s the thing about both dating disasters and tiny dictators: beneath the chaos, there are moments of sweetness.

That guy who turned out to be a dud? At least he made you laugh for one night. That threenager who just screamed at you because the sky is “too blue”? Ten minutes later they’re cuddled in your lap whispering “you’re the best mum ever.”

It’s exhausting. It’s hilarious. It’s maddening. And it’s also kind of wonderful. Because these little dictators — these impossible, unreasonable, bossy threenagers — are also the people who teach us patience, resilience, and the power of unconditional love.

Final Thought

If dating trained us for rejection, emotional rollercoasters, and questionable life choices, threenagers are the graduation exam. They’ll test you. Break you. Make you laugh until you cry. And just when you think you can’t handle another tantrum, they’ll flash you a cheeky grin and remind you why you’d endure it all again tomorrow.

Because sometimes, love isn’t candlelit dinners or perfect Sunday mornings. Sometimes, love is surviving another round of bedtime negotiations and remembering that dictatorships, bad dates, and threenagers all have one thing in common: eventually, they pass.

And when they do, you’ll miss them. (Well… maybe not the supermarket meltdowns. But definitely the cuddles.)